Some Changes

So recent life events have really got me thinking. I guess it's no surprise I have come to some more conclusions regarding all that has gone on, however this time it seems different.
I have finally figured out why things keep ending up this way, I think I have known all along but now at this point I am certain that I can say I am the common denominator. I am the reason things end up the way they do.
At first I was not okay with this realization but then as I began to tare it down I saw the beauty in it. To finally understand why things always fall apart, and why they never work out gave me an explainable peace. For so long I have been wrestling with the outcome of past relationships, jobs, and friendships and now I finally hold the answer to all I have wrestled with and now I can change it.
THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN ME!
I know that I am a strong personality type, the type of person people are drawn to with out knowing why, someone who can win over a crowd, and the girl who can if she wants to get what she wants. So, making friends, starting relationships, and finding jobs has never been my problem it's the keeping them that has been.
My dad once told me that if I was able to count all my true friends on one hand then I was blessed and I had more then most people. I use to think that was sad but now as I have grown older I see what he was saying. It's really hard to find someone who will stick by you through all your crap and still love you at the end of the day. I mean it's easy to hang when everything is going great but most people bail at the sign of trouble. They leave or pull back because they are afraid they will become to invested and get hurt with you. Heaven forbid someone suffer along side of you, it's always easier to do it while watching form the sidelines because then you don't actually have to play and get hurt. I guess I can say that I am a lucky person because despite recent events my friends that have been there in the past are still there, waiting to help me out of yet another situation.

This time it's different though, this time I want to do it myself and see if I can pull myself up and make it. I want to become a different person one that is not out spoken, one who keeps her opinions to herself, and one who doesn't give her heart away. That may seem a little crazy to most of you reading this, but who I have been for the past almost 30 years has gotten me where I am and I don't like it. I have recently had several men tell me that I am to guarded, and it's funny because I don't think I am guarded enough. I am going to put up walls that protect me and I am going to be more reserved and shy. I need to try a different approach towards things and see where it takes me. So, things may seem or look a little different around me in the days and weeks to come. It may take some getting use to but I think you will come to find that I will be a more lovable person in the end.
I am not saying that I am not lovable, I know that I am and I know that I am loved not only by God but also by friends. I am just saying I am going to take a different approach to life and see where it gets me. Who knows maybe someone will actual love the new me enough to actually act out on what they say instead of backing away and wanting space. Or maybe I will keep a job and be satisfied in it knowing that it is taking care of me.
I guess in a sense you could say I am giving up but I still have my dreams, those aren't changing. I am just the one who is changing and who knows maybe my dreams will be reached because of the change.
I have to try something because I am drowning over here in my own little world. I am trying to stay afloat holding on to things that are no longer there...I need a reality check and I got one last night so now I am doing something about it!
Love ya all thanks for reading.