Why does it have to be so complicated?

I'm 29 in one month and I'm still asking this question.

It may be because I'm single or becuase I'm confused...but, really why does it have to be so complicated.
At almost 29 I'm not still not sure why I am single but I am.
It wasn't the plan to be honest the plan was a little out of wack;
Be married by 22
Start having kids at 24
Have up to 6 kids by 32 and adopt 4 to 6 more by the time I was 37.
I know crazy (I did say it was out of wack).

Now at 24 reality sunk in and I figured I actually never really wanted that but, I did want to be married and start my family.

And yet time just kept going by. I mean great things happend. I traveled the world. I moved to differet cities and worked different jobs. It was all bennifical and good but still that feelign that somethign was missing lingered.

Now here I am at almost 29 having had made up my mind that if I'm not married or in a serious realtionship by the time I am 30 then I am not changing my last name. That's just the way it is. To think that I ever wanted to change it is kinda funny. I mean really Wildman who doesn't want that last name?

So here is what it comes down to. I think I am ready to be married. I think I will make a great wife and an even better mom, But God... apparentaly has other plans that I am unaware of (maybe you coudl fill me in here...Please!) all the while tourtauring me by placing me around happy young families. (Thanks a bunch)

I guess I am still thumbing through that 'be still and know that I am God' thing. Every time I think I get it, it slips right out of my hands and poof gone. Be Still and Know. BE STILL.

Man I wish I coudl just remove the desire to be wanted by anything but God. If only that was soemthing that a women could actually do.

Well I leave you with this because it really spoke to me today while sifting through all this junk;

Father in Heaven! You have loved us first, help us never to forget that You are love so that this sure conviction might triumph in our hearts over the seduction of the world, over the inquietude of the soul, over the anxiety for the future, over the fright of the past, over the distress of the moment. But grant also that this conviction might discipline our soul so that our heart might remain faithful and sincere in the love which we bear to all those whom You have commanded us to love as we love ourselves.

You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You have only loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many things and every day and our whole life through. When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You – You are the first – You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at the same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are the first and thus forever. And yet we always speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once.

- Soren Kierkegaard, “Prayer Two”

Questions???

Today  I woke up with more questions then I new what to do with. This doesn't happen all that often but sometimes it does. When it does I am generally overwhelmed by it. 
I have come to the conclusion over the years that not all questions have answers and some aren't deserving of answers. 
This mornings questions went a bit like this;


1. Where will I live next?
2. Why Am I not in New York?
3. How would I pack for Australia?
4. How many Kids will I have?
5. Why do I want my own kids so bad?
6. Where the H E double hockey sticks is my husband?
7. Who is my husband?
8. Why am I asking such stupid questions?
9. Do I even deserve a husband?
10. Where will I raise my family?
11. Will I have a family?
12. What is God trying to teach me right now?
13. Am I learning it?
14. Why would I want anything new right?
15. Why do we have to see and experience so much in this life?
16. Why is someone in africa suffering far beyond my imagination right now?
17. Where am I going to live in January?
18. What part-time job am I going to have?
19. When Am I going to wake-up?


I know it seems like an assortment of questions that don't all match up but thats what's on my mind. Most of it I woke up with after a very interesting dream, but for the most part those are questions that are running through my mind all the time. 


Now most of these questions don't need answers and some of them don't deserve answers but then there are some that need answers. I am sure I have a different opinion on what needs to be answered over someone else but I sure would love some.


But this morning God and I were talking about these questions and the only answer I got was. 
"I have a plan and a purpose, you just need to be still and know that I Am who I say I Am. I Am a faithful loving God who wants what is best for you."  


But don't you think some of these questions are worthy of answers?


"Child the answer is be still, be still and know that I am God. It's hard to understand but that is what is best for you right now."


Ok if it is best I will try but, I can't promise that I wont ask them again tomorrow. I will try my hardest.


"Try your hardest and look back on who I Am and how faithful I have always been not just to you but to all those before you"




So that's where I am at right now, trying to be still. 
That is so hard for me. Being Still is like asking me to not help someone. So, I am sure I need to practice the being still thing more then I think. 


Here's to being still. I know there is beauty in it.

Dreaming of New York

My time in Hawaii Through Photos Thus Far

One of the Many Parades in Honolulu

Two of my favorite guys playing!

My very first visitor in Hawaii!

It was good to have a slice of home for a day!

Lanikai Beach

My First Rainbow

Really? this is so against everything I know and believe :)

Don't Drink Water

As you can see we went to a pumpkin patch! 

This is a photo of me my husband (Zukie) and our lovely little bundle of Joy Zoranj (it means orange in Haitian Creole, don't worry about it)

Micah and Ezra playing with the big pumpkins!

My second and favorite visitor so far! I mean come on not many people can top your little bro. Don't worry Mom and Dad you will :)

Two really great people that everyone should know!

At the North Shore when it wasn't going off...

Matsumoto Shave ice...

Yummy in your tummy

Really it is the best...I promise you have to get the ice cream with it!

Dole Plantation!

My second Luau ever in my life...His First. I love my brother xoxo

The pig coming out of the pit

Such a cute couple!

A great way to end their first trip to Oahu!

More photos will come as I have promised :)

Enjoy Miss You All!

My morning walk...

I generally start the day out with a little reading and then a walk. It's just what I do. Partly because I should for health purposes and partly because I enjoy it!!!

This morning I was listening to Brooke Fraser's new album Flags and walking the Lankia area. (I will post pictures soon so you can see it) It's a gorgeous neighborhood with very high-end homes and beautiful scenery. The trees are so lush  and green, and the ocean is 3 shades of blue. It really is breath taking. 

Any ways I was walking and listening making sure to smile and everyone I passed by and I realized something. I started to look at the homes and the area I was in and just genuinely started to observe more then I would normally and I started to see the beauty in everything. It was incredible. 

As I walked I found a great appreciation for fencing...I know it's strange but let's be honest, I am strange. Almost every house had some form of boundary markers.

FENCES! 

Don't get me wrong I have noticed fences before but this time it was a little different.

The thing that I really noticed is how unique they all were. Some were natural fences made for shrubs and vine, others were brick or, wood there were metal ones and some invisible ones. Some were big and tall and impossible to see over while you could see through others. And some were short and long allowing you to view the homes and yards. Some were breath-taking with the art work that was placed on them while others had the beauty of being so simplistic. And some had open pathways inviting others in while some had strong gates with call buttons and others still had gates yet they seemed easy to open.

Every fence had character to it, they all could have told a story about the home owner and the craftsman behind their creation. Each one serving the same purpose, to keep things in and to keep things out. 

It was a good walk one that really got me thinking about Fences...

I guess I bring this up for two reasons. 

The first being; were in your life do you need to take a walk and just slow down?

Look around notice the scenery and take it in.

The second being; what type of fence do you have around your life?

Can people see in and are the welcome to cross through the gate or open path?

Is it to high to see over allowing no one to really see what is going on?

Do you have a call button that people need to know in order to get in?

Where are YOUR fences?