Blog, blog, blog...

Oh boy oh boy fun times. I have been thinking a lot these days, you know that's always fun. I haven't come to any conclusions but I just figured I would get some of this out so I can process it better.
My whole life has been a search for meaning don't get me wrong I understand the ultimate meaning for my life I wrote about in my last blog and nothing has changed I am made to glorify God no question about it.
I guess what it all comes down to is my understanding of the gifts and abilities the Lord has given me.
We all have them were are blessed with specific gifts and talents. Some of us are more aware of our gifts and talents then others. I have always believed that we're all gifted with creativity and recently I have been reading a book called the Artist Way that has only affirmed what I have known all along were are all creative, some of us just know it better then others.
Though the book is not a biblical book per-say it really hits the fact that we are created by a creator. A creator, that implies that there is creativity involved, which means that being made in his image we are all creative. I hate it when I hear people say that they aren't creative or that someone else is more creative then them. It's as if they are saying the things that God has given them aren't enough. I'm sure this is nothing new to most people but if we are made in His image aren't we then called to portray all of that including being creative.
I think it is time to stop making excuses and start making art. That's right art, now most people are jumping to the conclusions and thinking in their heads, "I don't paint, I have never been good at drawing, this girls crazy to think I can do art" well your right about one thing I am crazy but not about this matter.
Now we all express ourselves in different ways right, well here is the thought process, we can be creative in all the ways we express ourselves. Just because your creative doesn't mean some one will pay for your creativity. I have drawn picture since I was a little kid and to this day no one has paid for them.
I am not talking about creating revenue off of your creativity, I am talking about being your complete self. I know there are several people who seem to need more in their life or feel as though something is missing even though they have Jesus in their lives. To some this mat sound wrong but I think I can understand that feeling all to well. I think some how we have allowed ourselves to believe that if we have Christ in our lives we only need to express him but really we need to express ourself, the person he has and is making us to be. That will in turn express who He is and people will be drawn to him.
I don't know but I tend to think that we feel this void because we aren't being our whole selves. I think in order to be all we were created to be we need to be creating. We need to find ways to express ourselves so God can be seen.
That could mean picking up a paint brush, or a trumpet. Maybe it means getting out an old sewing machine or a sketch paid. Maybe it means writing a journal or cooking an amazing meal. It could even be finding a fun way to go over the annual budget or coming up with a way to teach children something new. It all looks so different yet it is all so beautiful.

I love seeing how God made us such individuals yet we all if walking with him point people to his glory.

Why aren't you creating? What lies are stopping you?
Where should you be creating?
How can you be creating?

Come on people lets stop making excuses and start making Art!

My thoughts for the day...

Others ideas

I just read Jason Mraz's blog post from yesterday. And at first I was taken back by it, I'm not sure why but then it got me to thinkin' we all should be doing that.
His blog consisted of "I love my..." statements there were over 40 things he shared that he loved about himself.
I read through his list and thought wow I've never thought about lovingly spine but I sure do because with out it I would be a blob.
So here's my idea every one post or comment the things you love about yourself and see how you feel after you do it.
Here goes mine;

I love my eyes. I live my hair. I love my smile. I love my beauty mark. I love my toes. I love my teeth. I love my tongue. I love my voice. I love my nose ring. I love my fingers. I love my hands. I love my legs. I love my shape. I love my height 5'6 it's just right. I love my spirit. I love my walk. I love the way I phrase things. I love they way I see things other people can't. I love to grow. I love to paint. I live to learn. I love to walk. I love my style. I love my heart. I love to care. I love to help. I love my scent. I love my skin tone. I love my nails. I love my liver. I love my lungs. I love my brain. I love my corns. I love my spine. I love my bones. I love my joints. I love my ligemnets. I love my larnyx. I love my neck. I love my back. I love my hairlessness. I love my free spirit. I love my freedom. O love that I love!

Times a Changin'

Wow how things can change ever so quickly. I am one for change I actually quite enjoy it, but I can only take so much at a time. I tend to think I can take more then most people however that is me gaging myself off of myself therefore having no validity. All of that to say there has been a lot of change recently.
Not just in my physical life but also in my emotional life.
My picture of God is growing and expanding in ways that are so beneficial for my spiritual health and soon my physical surroundings will be changing as well.

I am not sure if my affinity for change is a good thing or if it is a bad thing...I learned some time ago that I was addicted to change. I have to have some major change every 2 years or I think there is something wrong. It's rather strange that is so exact and most the time it has to do with a job or location change. As I have tried to analyze this personal trait I have come to the conclusion that I cause and create change in my own life for a sense of security. I know it sounds backwards but really it actually makes a lot of sense. I am looking for something I can try to control and if I can't control anything then why not move myself out of the uncontrollable environment into a different one because then at least I can try over again.

So now I am forced to look at the change that is taking place in my life right now and evaluate if this is another one of those moments.
In my time of reflection I have come to see that this change is a natural change and one that was going to take place with or with out me wanting. So I guess I am glad that I am on the upside of this change!

So what is the change you ask well here it is.
I moved to Hawaii and now I am moving back home!
Yep I am packing up and moving home. Why you ask?  Why am I leaving paradise? Of course it's for a guy but not the kinda of guy you are thinking of.
I have come to the conclusion that the guy whose lead I am following truly cares about my happiness and he wants what is best for me and what causes me to flourish.
God has really revealed that I am no longer safe or needed here. Not that I was ever needed but I was willing to be used and now that I have been used it's time for me to move on.

There have been plenty of reason to leave and even some to stay but after looking at a pro's and con's list I have come to the conclusion to just throw it out and do what seems illogical on most fronts. It even seems crazy to me but, I am not the one directing it. It's God he is showing me guiding me and helping me sift through what seems impossible to me.

There is a lot that could be said and a lot that could be done but I truly am content to leave it all where it is and move on. I have learned more then I thought I was going to coming into this situation. I have learned how to love deeper even when you are wronged, how to truly seek Gods guidance even when you so badly want to seek mans approval, I have learned that it truly doesn't matter what others think as long as I am seeking the heart of God. And I have truly started to understand how I can love myself.
It has been a really hard but amazing time.
And the biggest thing for me is that God is no longer the teacher but he's the lover of my soul. That has been detrimental to my think and understanding. He has truly open up the box that I have been putting him in and has allowed for me to see more of himself.

I was created to glorify him and when I do that he will be made known to all. It doesn't matter what I am doing or where I am doing it but all that matters and all that will ever matter is if I am glorifying him.

So now I am challenged and driven to glorify him in all that I am doing and I am not sure what that will look like and how it will all pan out but I will strive to do what needs to be done in order to make it happen where ever I end up being!


Here's to knew adventures and figuring out where I can better bring glory to his name!

750 Words

I just started a new project that a friend told me about, it's called 750 words. It's a website where you write 750 words a day. It's unfiltered, spontaneous word chatter that is running through your head put out in writing.
At first I thought this is strange and why would I want to do this, however there was a little bit of curiosity that brought me to the website which then led me to actually signing up and starting to do it. Today was my first day and I can say that I think I am going to commit myself to 50 days of doing it and see what happens. I think I will periodically post some of my writings so you can see a little of what goes on inside of my head. SCRAY
It's really interesting to see what you write when you are just putting on paper what is already in your head. I think it really gives you an insight into yourself that you would not normally see, unless you are super introspective, but even then I think it will help you see how focused or unfocused you are.
Well I hope you enjoy what will follow in the next 50 days.

If you would like to join my in this little experiment here is the website 750words.com

I hope you are all finding what it is you are looking for in this life and that your journey has some wonderful surprise a long the way.

Victory

Could this really be more own personal LOST?

If I were to replay the events of the past few months you most likely wouldn't believe all of it. To call it an adventure would be givng to much grace, to call it a curse may be more accurate but also feels a little to harsh.
It some where in between though I have yet to figure out what to call it. SOme have reffered to it as a no man's land while others have been calling it my own personal.
My response to living in my own personal lost has been,this is worst then lost because I can't shoot anyone with out major consequences.
I know I sound a little crazy but trust me you would feel the same way.
To top it all off I am currently sitting in the airport waiting on standby for a flight home. Why standby you ask...well here is the cherry on top to brin the lost theory to furition.
I missed my flight today, I was on time, bags checked, ticket paid for, and easy to go. I was wondering why my plane was not boarding and then I heard my name called over the entercom system "Kelly Wildman paging Kelly Wildman for final boarding at gate chchch gate chchc" what gate was that? I looked at my ticket and ran to gate 26 got there in less then 2min and the plane was locked down and there were no people around. No one there to help, no one there to talk to no one at all. So, I did what any normal person would do, I screamed, yelled, pounded on the door but no one came. No one around even responded to me. So I tried to find someone to help me. I found someone but it took her 30 min to help me,she had other things she needed to do. I finally got a standby flight so now I'm atthe airport bar waiting for 10:10 to rollaround. Red eye fligh here's to hoping I get on!

Discouragement.

Discouragement is such a powerful tool in the wrong hands. 


I have recently been trying to sift through why we, human beings, can be so easily discouraged. 


I have had several conversations about this over the past couple weeks and they have only lead me to become more or to remain at the same level of discouragement. 
However these conversations have helped to lead me to these conclusions;


1. We can be so easily discouraged due to our own high expectations
2. We can be easily discouraged because it's not happening in our own time
3. We can be easily discouraged because we are very negative when it comes to our own self reflection
4. We are easily discouraged when we compare ourselves to others
5. We will always be discouraged when we set unachievable goals


So what it really comes down to is that we are truly our own problem. We are where the discouragement stems from. 
A friend once said "The way to a successful winter camp is to have low expectations" though this was a statement referring to a junior high trip it really has some validity to life. Don't get me wrong I am not saying to always come in with low expectations but, we do need to be reasonable. 


I  am pretty certain I have not been reasonable over the past couple years and especially the last couple months. I expect a lot form myself. The funny thing is I have recently started to expect less and less form others. In turn place higher expectations on myself. It seems silly really when I write it but it's the truth. 


Today I am starting to lower my expectations on myself. I will still have high hopes but I will not become disappointed in myself when I fall short or fail to obtain something unreasonable. I know what I am capable of and I know what I can obtain. I am going to focus on that and see if everything else falls into place. 


So here is to lowering expectations with out diluting my hopes!


Where are you discouraged?
How are yo getting through it?
Are your expectations of yourself to high?

On an entirely different note I started mentoring two young boys yesterday. Rusty a 5 year old kindergartner and Dayton a 7 year old 2nd grader. They both come from some sort of broken home life. Though I am not sure of the details on either situation I do know that they are both in need of quality time and the funny thing is so am I. 

I am not saying that I have an expectation that 2 little elementary boys are going to fulfill my need for quality time but I do believe they will add something to my life. It's funny how service truly does add more to who you are as a human. 

I was not planning on starting anything like this until the first of the year because I just felt like I need more time to get ready...hahaha

Then some how I found myself on my way over to Maunawili Elementary yesterday afternoon. A friend had asked if I was willing to help out unbeknownst to me that meant for a year. When I found this out I let him know that I wasn't sure if I could make the commitment and he smiled and said ok. We checked in and waited to meet the boys. Of course I thought they where awesome but, I was still on the fence about coming back because I really feel like I need to settle in before I go making commitments like this one. Well, things changed at the end. Both the boys asked my friend "are you going to come everyday"? His response was "no, but I will be here every week at the same time". Then they turned to me and asked if I would be coming as well. I asked them "do wanted me to" and the both smiled and said "yes". So, of course my answer was "yes I will be here every week". They both jumped up, clapped their hands and gave a jubilant shout "Yes". How can I not come back to that. 

So, now starts my journey of loving on two little boys and building a friendship that will last a life time. 

Now that is a High High expectation but, I don't think it is an unreasonable one! 

I hope you are finding meaning in your beautiful life story until the next blog,
Love, Joy and Peace be with you,
Victory

Why does it have to be so complicated?

I'm 29 in one month and I'm still asking this question.

It may be because I'm single or becuase I'm confused...but, really why does it have to be so complicated.
At almost 29 I'm not still not sure why I am single but I am.
It wasn't the plan to be honest the plan was a little out of wack;
Be married by 22
Start having kids at 24
Have up to 6 kids by 32 and adopt 4 to 6 more by the time I was 37.
I know crazy (I did say it was out of wack).

Now at 24 reality sunk in and I figured I actually never really wanted that but, I did want to be married and start my family.

And yet time just kept going by. I mean great things happend. I traveled the world. I moved to differet cities and worked different jobs. It was all bennifical and good but still that feelign that somethign was missing lingered.

Now here I am at almost 29 having had made up my mind that if I'm not married or in a serious realtionship by the time I am 30 then I am not changing my last name. That's just the way it is. To think that I ever wanted to change it is kinda funny. I mean really Wildman who doesn't want that last name?

So here is what it comes down to. I think I am ready to be married. I think I will make a great wife and an even better mom, But God... apparentaly has other plans that I am unaware of (maybe you coudl fill me in here...Please!) all the while tourtauring me by placing me around happy young families. (Thanks a bunch)

I guess I am still thumbing through that 'be still and know that I am God' thing. Every time I think I get it, it slips right out of my hands and poof gone. Be Still and Know. BE STILL.

Man I wish I coudl just remove the desire to be wanted by anything but God. If only that was soemthing that a women could actually do.

Well I leave you with this because it really spoke to me today while sifting through all this junk;

Father in Heaven! You have loved us first, help us never to forget that You are love so that this sure conviction might triumph in our hearts over the seduction of the world, over the inquietude of the soul, over the anxiety for the future, over the fright of the past, over the distress of the moment. But grant also that this conviction might discipline our soul so that our heart might remain faithful and sincere in the love which we bear to all those whom You have commanded us to love as we love ourselves.

You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You have only loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many things and every day and our whole life through. When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You – You are the first – You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at the same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are the first and thus forever. And yet we always speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once.

- Soren Kierkegaard, “Prayer Two”