Could this really be more own personal LOST?

If I were to replay the events of the past few months you most likely wouldn't believe all of it. To call it an adventure would be givng to much grace, to call it a curse may be more accurate but also feels a little to harsh.
It some where in between though I have yet to figure out what to call it. SOme have reffered to it as a no man's land while others have been calling it my own personal.
My response to living in my own personal lost has been,this is worst then lost because I can't shoot anyone with out major consequences.
I know I sound a little crazy but trust me you would feel the same way.
To top it all off I am currently sitting in the airport waiting on standby for a flight home. Why standby you ask...well here is the cherry on top to brin the lost theory to furition.
I missed my flight today, I was on time, bags checked, ticket paid for, and easy to go. I was wondering why my plane was not boarding and then I heard my name called over the entercom system "Kelly Wildman paging Kelly Wildman for final boarding at gate chchch gate chchc" what gate was that? I looked at my ticket and ran to gate 26 got there in less then 2min and the plane was locked down and there were no people around. No one there to help, no one there to talk to no one at all. So, I did what any normal person would do, I screamed, yelled, pounded on the door but no one came. No one around even responded to me. So I tried to find someone to help me. I found someone but it took her 30 min to help me,she had other things she needed to do. I finally got a standby flight so now I'm atthe airport bar waiting for 10:10 to rollaround. Red eye fligh here's to hoping I get on!

Discouragement.

Discouragement is such a powerful tool in the wrong hands. 


I have recently been trying to sift through why we, human beings, can be so easily discouraged. 


I have had several conversations about this over the past couple weeks and they have only lead me to become more or to remain at the same level of discouragement. 
However these conversations have helped to lead me to these conclusions;


1. We can be so easily discouraged due to our own high expectations
2. We can be easily discouraged because it's not happening in our own time
3. We can be easily discouraged because we are very negative when it comes to our own self reflection
4. We are easily discouraged when we compare ourselves to others
5. We will always be discouraged when we set unachievable goals


So what it really comes down to is that we are truly our own problem. We are where the discouragement stems from. 
A friend once said "The way to a successful winter camp is to have low expectations" though this was a statement referring to a junior high trip it really has some validity to life. Don't get me wrong I am not saying to always come in with low expectations but, we do need to be reasonable. 


I  am pretty certain I have not been reasonable over the past couple years and especially the last couple months. I expect a lot form myself. The funny thing is I have recently started to expect less and less form others. In turn place higher expectations on myself. It seems silly really when I write it but it's the truth. 


Today I am starting to lower my expectations on myself. I will still have high hopes but I will not become disappointed in myself when I fall short or fail to obtain something unreasonable. I know what I am capable of and I know what I can obtain. I am going to focus on that and see if everything else falls into place. 


So here is to lowering expectations with out diluting my hopes!


Where are you discouraged?
How are yo getting through it?
Are your expectations of yourself to high?

On an entirely different note I started mentoring two young boys yesterday. Rusty a 5 year old kindergartner and Dayton a 7 year old 2nd grader. They both come from some sort of broken home life. Though I am not sure of the details on either situation I do know that they are both in need of quality time and the funny thing is so am I. 

I am not saying that I have an expectation that 2 little elementary boys are going to fulfill my need for quality time but I do believe they will add something to my life. It's funny how service truly does add more to who you are as a human. 

I was not planning on starting anything like this until the first of the year because I just felt like I need more time to get ready...hahaha

Then some how I found myself on my way over to Maunawili Elementary yesterday afternoon. A friend had asked if I was willing to help out unbeknownst to me that meant for a year. When I found this out I let him know that I wasn't sure if I could make the commitment and he smiled and said ok. We checked in and waited to meet the boys. Of course I thought they where awesome but, I was still on the fence about coming back because I really feel like I need to settle in before I go making commitments like this one. Well, things changed at the end. Both the boys asked my friend "are you going to come everyday"? His response was "no, but I will be here every week at the same time". Then they turned to me and asked if I would be coming as well. I asked them "do wanted me to" and the both smiled and said "yes". So, of course my answer was "yes I will be here every week". They both jumped up, clapped their hands and gave a jubilant shout "Yes". How can I not come back to that. 

So, now starts my journey of loving on two little boys and building a friendship that will last a life time. 

Now that is a High High expectation but, I don't think it is an unreasonable one! 

I hope you are finding meaning in your beautiful life story until the next blog,
Love, Joy and Peace be with you,
Victory

Why does it have to be so complicated?

I'm 29 in one month and I'm still asking this question.

It may be because I'm single or becuase I'm confused...but, really why does it have to be so complicated.
At almost 29 I'm not still not sure why I am single but I am.
It wasn't the plan to be honest the plan was a little out of wack;
Be married by 22
Start having kids at 24
Have up to 6 kids by 32 and adopt 4 to 6 more by the time I was 37.
I know crazy (I did say it was out of wack).

Now at 24 reality sunk in and I figured I actually never really wanted that but, I did want to be married and start my family.

And yet time just kept going by. I mean great things happend. I traveled the world. I moved to differet cities and worked different jobs. It was all bennifical and good but still that feelign that somethign was missing lingered.

Now here I am at almost 29 having had made up my mind that if I'm not married or in a serious realtionship by the time I am 30 then I am not changing my last name. That's just the way it is. To think that I ever wanted to change it is kinda funny. I mean really Wildman who doesn't want that last name?

So here is what it comes down to. I think I am ready to be married. I think I will make a great wife and an even better mom, But God... apparentaly has other plans that I am unaware of (maybe you coudl fill me in here...Please!) all the while tourtauring me by placing me around happy young families. (Thanks a bunch)

I guess I am still thumbing through that 'be still and know that I am God' thing. Every time I think I get it, it slips right out of my hands and poof gone. Be Still and Know. BE STILL.

Man I wish I coudl just remove the desire to be wanted by anything but God. If only that was soemthing that a women could actually do.

Well I leave you with this because it really spoke to me today while sifting through all this junk;

Father in Heaven! You have loved us first, help us never to forget that You are love so that this sure conviction might triumph in our hearts over the seduction of the world, over the inquietude of the soul, over the anxiety for the future, over the fright of the past, over the distress of the moment. But grant also that this conviction might discipline our soul so that our heart might remain faithful and sincere in the love which we bear to all those whom You have commanded us to love as we love ourselves.

You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You have only loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many things and every day and our whole life through. When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You – You are the first – You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at the same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are the first and thus forever. And yet we always speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once.

- Soren Kierkegaard, “Prayer Two”

Questions???

Today  I woke up with more questions then I new what to do with. This doesn't happen all that often but sometimes it does. When it does I am generally overwhelmed by it. 
I have come to the conclusion over the years that not all questions have answers and some aren't deserving of answers. 
This mornings questions went a bit like this;


1. Where will I live next?
2. Why Am I not in New York?
3. How would I pack for Australia?
4. How many Kids will I have?
5. Why do I want my own kids so bad?
6. Where the H E double hockey sticks is my husband?
7. Who is my husband?
8. Why am I asking such stupid questions?
9. Do I even deserve a husband?
10. Where will I raise my family?
11. Will I have a family?
12. What is God trying to teach me right now?
13. Am I learning it?
14. Why would I want anything new right?
15. Why do we have to see and experience so much in this life?
16. Why is someone in africa suffering far beyond my imagination right now?
17. Where am I going to live in January?
18. What part-time job am I going to have?
19. When Am I going to wake-up?


I know it seems like an assortment of questions that don't all match up but thats what's on my mind. Most of it I woke up with after a very interesting dream, but for the most part those are questions that are running through my mind all the time. 


Now most of these questions don't need answers and some of them don't deserve answers but then there are some that need answers. I am sure I have a different opinion on what needs to be answered over someone else but I sure would love some.


But this morning God and I were talking about these questions and the only answer I got was. 
"I have a plan and a purpose, you just need to be still and know that I Am who I say I Am. I Am a faithful loving God who wants what is best for you."  


But don't you think some of these questions are worthy of answers?


"Child the answer is be still, be still and know that I am God. It's hard to understand but that is what is best for you right now."


Ok if it is best I will try but, I can't promise that I wont ask them again tomorrow. I will try my hardest.


"Try your hardest and look back on who I Am and how faithful I have always been not just to you but to all those before you"




So that's where I am at right now, trying to be still. 
That is so hard for me. Being Still is like asking me to not help someone. So, I am sure I need to practice the being still thing more then I think. 


Here's to being still. I know there is beauty in it.

Dreaming of New York

My time in Hawaii Through Photos Thus Far

One of the Many Parades in Honolulu

Two of my favorite guys playing!

My very first visitor in Hawaii!

It was good to have a slice of home for a day!

Lanikai Beach

My First Rainbow

Really? this is so against everything I know and believe :)

Don't Drink Water

As you can see we went to a pumpkin patch! 

This is a photo of me my husband (Zukie) and our lovely little bundle of Joy Zoranj (it means orange in Haitian Creole, don't worry about it)

Micah and Ezra playing with the big pumpkins!

My second and favorite visitor so far! I mean come on not many people can top your little bro. Don't worry Mom and Dad you will :)

Two really great people that everyone should know!

At the North Shore when it wasn't going off...

Matsumoto Shave ice...

Yummy in your tummy

Really it is the best...I promise you have to get the ice cream with it!

Dole Plantation!

My second Luau ever in my life...His First. I love my brother xoxo

The pig coming out of the pit

Such a cute couple!

A great way to end their first trip to Oahu!

More photos will come as I have promised :)

Enjoy Miss You All!

My morning walk...

I generally start the day out with a little reading and then a walk. It's just what I do. Partly because I should for health purposes and partly because I enjoy it!!!

This morning I was listening to Brooke Fraser's new album Flags and walking the Lankia area. (I will post pictures soon so you can see it) It's a gorgeous neighborhood with very high-end homes and beautiful scenery. The trees are so lush  and green, and the ocean is 3 shades of blue. It really is breath taking. 

Any ways I was walking and listening making sure to smile and everyone I passed by and I realized something. I started to look at the homes and the area I was in and just genuinely started to observe more then I would normally and I started to see the beauty in everything. It was incredible. 

As I walked I found a great appreciation for fencing...I know it's strange but let's be honest, I am strange. Almost every house had some form of boundary markers.

FENCES! 

Don't get me wrong I have noticed fences before but this time it was a little different.

The thing that I really noticed is how unique they all were. Some were natural fences made for shrubs and vine, others were brick or, wood there were metal ones and some invisible ones. Some were big and tall and impossible to see over while you could see through others. And some were short and long allowing you to view the homes and yards. Some were breath-taking with the art work that was placed on them while others had the beauty of being so simplistic. And some had open pathways inviting others in while some had strong gates with call buttons and others still had gates yet they seemed easy to open.

Every fence had character to it, they all could have told a story about the home owner and the craftsman behind their creation. Each one serving the same purpose, to keep things in and to keep things out. 

It was a good walk one that really got me thinking about Fences...

I guess I bring this up for two reasons. 

The first being; were in your life do you need to take a walk and just slow down?

Look around notice the scenery and take it in.

The second being; what type of fence do you have around your life?

Can people see in and are the welcome to cross through the gate or open path?

Is it to high to see over allowing no one to really see what is going on?

Do you have a call button that people need to know in order to get in?

Where are YOUR fences?

Hawaii 3-0h

NEW PLACES

are:

exciting

fun

scary 

unknown

amazing

an adventure

crazy 

overwhelming (in both good and bad ways)

expensive

hard

welcoming

different

and I am sure there is much more I could add to the list but I honestly can't think. 

all of theses words are feelings I have felt in the last 6 weeks. I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster trying to shift through what is valid and what is just over emotional.

I really think you learn a lot about yourself when you step out into the unknown. You are challenged to overcome obstacles you may have never faced before. 

Stepping out and leaving behind my entire life has proved to be a challenge. And I am not gonna lie I have broken down crying and come to the conclusion that I am packing it in and coming home, but those moments last for a brief second and then I realize that I am where I need to be and it's just gonna be rough sometimes. 

This really came to ahead this week when my best friend called me to let me know that her father had passed away. All I wanted to do was give her a hug and a shoulder to cry on...and I can't. I can't be there I am on what felt like at the moment a "God forsaken island". I was trapped I couldn't drive to her and be there in a couples hours. It would take more money then I had to buy a ticket and it would take more time off then I had to take. Regardless, I was willing to go. I and I would have if she had said she wanted /needed me there. 

Then the next morning I get a calling letting me know that my grandma has been admitted to the hospital and has pneumonia. At this point I am literally saying out loud "you have got to be kidding me" really. 

Well it turns out she is fine and it was a false alarm, but it really drove home the fact that I just can't be there for people like I use to be. 

Let me tell you that is a really hard conclusion to come to for me. I am not sure others handle it but, I am the person you can rely on to be there when there's a problem. Now it's different. I am not saying it is a bad things, it's just hard. 

There are many other things that come with leaving everything behind. It is a very freeing feeling to start over. You get to start a new adventure and start over in some regards. It's almost like jumping on a sailboat for the first time. You don't know if your gonna get seasick or love the open waters. You have no knowledge of knot tying, of sails, rudders, lines, speed (knots), and so much more. It's all unknown unless you have researched it and tried to educate yourself. Even then it is still all very unfamiliar because you have had no hands on experience. It is a challenge!

A couple days ago I went out looking for a place to live, I have a really tight budget so this was a real adventure. I found what seemed to be a fairly good deal. $825 a month for a one bedroom 400sqft apartment. It was nice inside but the building was a little rundown on the outside. So I asked the agent showing it to me if it was a safe neighborhood. She wasn't sure so she made some calls and little to my knowledge and even hers. I was advised that it was really not that safe. 

Then later that day I asked one of my friends who attends our church if it was safe and she let me know that was the area when she was a kid that the street walkers would come home to. 

Well, let's try again because that's not gonna work...

It's an adventure and a sure challenge stepping out but it is worth it!

Where are you stepping out?

Are you truly stepping out or are you just saying so? 

What are you afraid of?

Adventure is calling you go make a new story for your book, live it out aloud and let the world see your beauty!