Finding Home

Finding Home
on a journey to know meaning, create stories, and to shine beauty, this is home

15.5.11

Fighting for Love

Read the lyrics below, it's a song sung by Jordin Sparks 


Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happenin' here
One minute it's love
And suddenly it's like a battlefield

One word turns into a war
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down?
My world's nothing when you gone
I'm not here without a shield
Can't go back now

Both hands, tied behind my back for nothin'
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like

Can't swallow our pride
Neither of us wanna raise that flag
If we can't surrender then we both gonna lose
What we have, oh no

Both hands tied behind my back with nothin'
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
I don't wanna fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for

Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?


You better go and get your armor
(Get your armor)
Get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor
(Get your armor)
Get your armor
I guess you better go and get your

We could pretend that we are friends tonight
(Oh, oh, oh)
And in the morning we'll wake up and it'd be alright
'Cause baby, we don't have to fight
And I don't want this love to feel like

A battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield

Guess you better go and get your armor

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
(Fighting, fighting for)

Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like a battlefield
A battlefield, a battlefield?

I guess you better go and get your armor
(Get your armor)
Get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor
(Get your armor)
Get your armor

Why does love always feel like?
Why does love always feel like?
A battlefield, a battlefield

I never meant to start a war
Don't even know what we're fighting for
I never meant to start a war
Don't even know what we're fighting for


© BREAKTHROUGH CREATIONS; EMI APRIL MUSIC INC.;






So I have been thinking about the lyrics to this song lately and trying to figure out why someone would compare love to a battlefield?  
What where Wayne Wilkins, Ryan Tedder, Louis Biancaniello, and Sam Watters trying to get across to the pop culture world? 
I would hope to think that they wanted us to see that love does take compromise otherwise it can feel like a battlefield and even when we do compromise it still may feel like a battlefield for a time. Some would say I have yet to love and they maybe right but I do truly believe that we all have loved and that we all know to some extent what it means to have to compromise for someone else. I think that as we look deeper into love and the meaning that it truly holds we can see how love truly is a fight. It has to be something worth fighting for otherwise it's not love. 
So, in this battlefield called love are we truly fighting for what we believe in? 
Are we standing by the ones we love?
Are we willing to give our lives?


Or are standing guard waiting to start a war? If we aren't fighting for love we should not be fighting at all. We are fighting a pointless battle if it is not for love.


Where in your life are you fighting a battle that now looking back seems pointless?


Where should you be fighting a battle but you have given up?




I am fighting a battle that I am not willing to give up on yet. I know it may seem pointless to some and may not make sense to others but it is a battle of the heart and it is for love. So, I will keep fighting until I have no more strength and until my time has run out I will give my all.
Love is worth fighting for! 

13.5.11

so confused and a little hurt not gonna lie

So, I am curious if anyone has ever experienced this?

I have recently been put in a situation where both parties are receiving different messages form what they say is God. I am not sure how to deal with or take what is going on.
I know that we all hear form God in different ways and I believe that he speaks to us so I don't want to write anything off. But I do truly believe that there should be peace between individuals when decisions are reached and this situation is lacking that.
When we claim to be told something by God should we not have conformation in more then one way?
I am pretty sure that is what the bible says but hey you know the way things go these days who to say. I guess it would be different if the same thing was heard because then that would be conformation right?
I don't know now I feel like I am just rambling.
I would go into detail of the situation but I don't think that is necessary in this case. All I am wondering is if God can be somewhere in the midst of the confusion. I know he says he is not a part of the confusion so I would really rather there be no confusion.
I have tried to make sure that all emotions have been removed for the situation but I am not sure if that is ever possible. If only I could be inside both heads so I could better understand.
I know I just need to let it go move on and just keep praying. So, that is what I will do, pray for clarity and for understanding and for both parties to be on the same page.
I will pray that whatever the outcome everyone will be at peace and things won't come as a surprise.

If anyone has advice or would care to chime in on the subject I would greatly appreciate it!

Thanks much!

28.4.11

It's not in My head

I know that we all do this we think there is something going on but we tend to make excuses and rationalize it saying it's all in our head. If you have never done that then you should just stop reading but if any part of you resinates with the previous statement then keep reading.
Recently I have had these feeling regarding my move. Feeling like I am being excluded and left out. Finding that things are going that I would normally be invited to but I am not anymore. And just being treated differently in conversation. Ever since I let everyone know that I was moving back home all my Hawaii friends (not hawaiian but hawaii)  have been treating me differently. It has been "all in my head" I would tell myself but really I am finding out that it has not been in my head and that people are treating me differently or just not treating me at all.
All the invites to come over and hang out with friends have gone away. I have been sitting alone for the past couple weeks trying to make myself busy, unless of course someone needs something from me :)

I think it is very interesting how we as people pull away when something is happening that we don't want to have happen. I know I have done this but I truly try to make a point to not do it. Knowing how we respond to change is very important especially when our response can be hurtful to others. I know that I can respond in negative ways to change even though I tend to love change so I try to counter act the natural response when it is negative. How we make others feel does matter if our actions are unkind.

Recently I was made aware of how I was being treated differently since my moving announcement and it has been hurtful. I have tried to make excuses for my friends which I do think are valid (sometimes it's easier to pull away from someone then to invest more) but I think we need to strive to treat others the way we would want to be treated. I know it is hard to do sometimes but it is something we need to strive to do. If we can't treat each other kindly how will we ever be able to love each other and if we can't love each other how will we ever be able to love our neighbors or our enemies?

I think we all need to look inward and see where we could be more loving towards each other. What are we afraid to do or to let go of? What is holding us back from loving others unconditionally?

We need to love with out boundaries because as Rob Bell (who some of you may dislike) has tilted his newest book "Love Wins" it does even if it looks a little different then we think it should.

That's all thanks for reading...

16.4.11

This is for the boys

Hey boys I wanted to give some pointers to you about friendship with girls.

I recently started talking with a guy friend that I hadn't talked to in awhile, things seemed to be going good and heading towards "something" and then something happened. So, I wanted to help you all out so you don't end up being thought of as a An Idiot or Meanie-head like this guy could easily be thought of as:

If you are just friends with a girl you need to make sure you are treating her just like all your other friends. You can't make her feel special unless she is. And if she is special then you need to let her know that she is not just a friend.
Don't send mixed messages be straight forward and if you are unsure of things to the point that you aren't willing to act on them then don't say anything no matter how open and honest your friendship is. Trust me she can't hear what you have to say because if you aren't gonna do anything about it you are only pulling on her heart strings. And in the end you are breaking her heart.

So some pointers on things not to say/do:
1. Never bring up marriage. I am not talking about the two of you getting married I am talking about anything thing that has to do with marriage, just don't bring it up.
2. Never and I mean Never kiss her unless you are willing to follow through with what that means. (you all know what that means and don't tell me she wanted it, if she kissed you back it was because she wanted you not just the kiss, she wanted a relationship and some how in her mind she was thinking "if we do this it will take us to the next level" wrong) Just don't do it. If you really have to kiss a girl because you are that desperate go to a bar find a girl you don't know kiss her and move on, you whore.
3. Phone conversations should never be longer then one you would have with the guys. I don't care if you feel like you can talk to her in ways you can't talk to the guys. She is just a friend stop talking to her for hours you a**hole, your leading her on.
4. Don't pay for her when you go places unless you do that for ALL your friends. Here is why IT'S A DATE if you do your an idiot. You are just friends, friends don't date. If you would like to say you are dating then please by all means take her wherever you want and pay for whatever you would like. But until you are willing to call it dating (which does not make it exclusive I have recently been researching what dating actually means and this is what I have come up with; Dating, in my opinion (and most people today), is getting to know someone that you like that you could potentially have romantic feelings for or eventually want a relationship with.  I think the difference between say "dating" verses friendship is the emotions you feel, you don't want to date all of your friends. In addition, you may spend much more one-on-one time with a person that you date verses a friend.  This one-on-one time is usually the key to figuring out if you want a relationship or not.
 When it becomes exclusive (meaning you know you want to have a relationship with that person and no one else), it becomes a relationship you are no longer just dating, some would call it exclusive dating, boyfriend/girlfriend others may say courtship. No matter what it is called it is the next level after dating.)  don't take her on dates. 
5. Let her know how you feel when you are sure about your feelings. I know it is easier to talk to girls about your feelings but don't do it with the girl you have feelings for unless you are sure of them. Call a girl friend and talk it through if you have to but don't, whatever you do, share your feelings with "your special friend" unless you are ready to act on them . Even if she is asking you to, lie to her if you have to. No really don't lie just let her know you are working through some stuff and you will let her know how you feel when you actually know for sure. 
6. If you are just friends stop checking her out. We can tell when you do that, we aren't stupid. We can feel your eyes on our body, we may not know what you are thinking exactly but we aren't stupid. Though it is flattering it is beyond inappropriate for you to do with a friend. 
7. Never slip up in your words. So, you "like" her more then friends but you don't know if you want to do anything about it. Keep your mouth shut in regards to anything that could imply that you want to be with her. Don't say things like; 
I have never felt this way with someone before
Why can I tell you anything and know that you will still see me the same
How can I feel this connected to you
Why do I feel so comfortable with you
You drive me crazy
You're beautiful 
anything like this puts things in our heads and wether you want those things in our heads or not you need to protect us until you are ready to make a commitment even if it's just a commitment to dating. 

So that's all I've got for now. I am sure there will be more at some point, but I am turning over a new leaf so you may not see blogs like this anymore or you may only see blogs like this??? It is going to be the only place for me to get it out :) 

Please oh please give me your feedback on this. 
Especially the dating portion I am really curious to see what others think "dating" is

Thanks for reading!

Some Changes

So recent life events have really got me thinking. I guess it's no surprise I have come to some more conclusions regarding all that has gone on, however this time it seems different.
I have finally figured out why things keep ending up this way, I think I have known all along but now at this point I am certain that I can say I am the common denominator. I am the reason things end up the way they do.
At first I was not okay with this realization but then as I began to tare it down I saw the beauty in it. To finally understand why things always fall apart, and why they never work out gave me an explainable peace. For so long I have been wrestling with the outcome of past relationships, jobs, and friendships and now I finally hold the answer to all I have wrestled with and now I can change it.
THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN ME!
I know that I am a strong personality type, the type of person people are drawn to with out knowing why, someone who can win over a crowd, and the girl who can if she wants to get what she wants. So, making friends, starting relationships, and finding jobs has never been my problem it's the keeping them that has been.
My dad once told me that if I was able to count all my true friends on one hand then I was blessed and I had more then most people. I use to think that was sad but now as I have grown older I see what he was saying. It's really hard to find someone who will stick by you through all your crap and still love you at the end of the day. I mean it's easy to hang when everything is going great but most people bail at the sign of trouble. They leave or pull back because they are afraid they will become to invested and get hurt with you. Heaven forbid someone suffer along side of you, it's always easier to do it while watching form the sidelines because then you don't actually have to play and get hurt. I guess I can say that I am a lucky person because despite recent events my friends that have been there in the past are still there, waiting to help me out of yet another situation.

This time it's different though, this time I want to do it myself and see if I can pull myself up and make it. I want to become a different person one that is not out spoken, one who keeps her opinions to herself, and one who doesn't give her heart away. That may seem a little crazy to most of you reading this, but who I have been for the past almost 30 years has gotten me where I am and I don't like it. I have recently had several men tell me that I am to guarded, and it's funny because I don't think I am guarded enough. I am going to put up walls that protect me and I am going to be more reserved and shy. I need to try a different approach towards things and see where it takes me. So, things may seem or look a little different around me in the days and weeks to come. It may take some getting use to but I think you will come to find that I will be a more lovable person in the end.
I am not saying that I am not lovable, I know that I am and I know that I am loved not only by God but also by friends. I am just saying I am going to take a different approach to life and see where it gets me. Who knows maybe someone will actual love the new me enough to actually act out on what they say instead of backing away and wanting space. Or maybe I will keep a job and be satisfied in it knowing that it is taking care of me.
I guess in a sense you could say I am giving up but I still have my dreams, those aren't changing. I am just the one who is changing and who knows maybe my dreams will be reached because of the change.
I have to try something because I am drowning over here in my own little world. I am trying to stay afloat holding on to things that are no longer there...I need a reality check and I got one last night so now I am doing something about it!
Love ya all thanks for reading.

29.3.11

Blog, blog, blog...

Oh boy oh boy fun times. I have been thinking a lot these days, you know that's always fun. I haven't come to any conclusions but I just figured I would get some of this out so I can process it better.
My whole life has been a search for meaning don't get me wrong I understand the ultimate meaning for my life I wrote about in my last blog and nothing has changed I am made to glorify God no question about it.
I guess what it all comes down to is my understanding of the gifts and abilities the Lord has given me.
We all have them were are blessed with specific gifts and talents. Some of us are more aware of our gifts and talents then others. I have always believed that we're all gifted with creativity and recently I have been reading a book called the Artist Way that has only affirmed what I have known all along were are all creative, some of us just know it better then others.
Though the book is not a biblical book per-say it really hits the fact that we are created by a creator. A creator, that implies that there is creativity involved, which means that being made in his image we are all creative. I hate it when I hear people say that they aren't creative or that someone else is more creative then them. It's as if they are saying the things that God has given them aren't enough. I'm sure this is nothing new to most people but if we are made in His image aren't we then called to portray all of that including being creative.
I think it is time to stop making excuses and start making art. That's right art, now most people are jumping to the conclusions and thinking in their heads, "I don't paint, I have never been good at drawing, this girls crazy to think I can do art" well your right about one thing I am crazy but not about this matter.
Now we all express ourselves in different ways right, well here is the thought process, we can be creative in all the ways we express ourselves. Just because your creative doesn't mean some one will pay for your creativity. I have drawn picture since I was a little kid and to this day no one has paid for them.
I am not talking about creating revenue off of your creativity, I am talking about being your complete self. I know there are several people who seem to need more in their life or feel as though something is missing even though they have Jesus in their lives. To some this mat sound wrong but I think I can understand that feeling all to well. I think some how we have allowed ourselves to believe that if we have Christ in our lives we only need to express him but really we need to express ourself, the person he has and is making us to be. That will in turn express who He is and people will be drawn to him.
I don't know but I tend to think that we feel this void because we aren't being our whole selves. I think in order to be all we were created to be we need to be creating. We need to find ways to express ourselves so God can be seen.
That could mean picking up a paint brush, or a trumpet. Maybe it means getting out an old sewing machine or a sketch paid. Maybe it means writing a journal or cooking an amazing meal. It could even be finding a fun way to go over the annual budget or coming up with a way to teach children something new. It all looks so different yet it is all so beautiful.

I love seeing how God made us such individuals yet we all if walking with him point people to his glory.

Why aren't you creating? What lies are stopping you?
Where should you be creating?
How can you be creating?

Come on people lets stop making excuses and start making Art!

My thoughts for the day...

Others ideas

I just read Jason Mraz's blog post from yesterday. And at first I was taken back by it, I'm not sure why but then it got me to thinkin' we all should be doing that.
His blog consisted of "I love my..." statements there were over 40 things he shared that he loved about himself.
I read through his list and thought wow I've never thought about lovingly spine but I sure do because with out it I would be a blob.
So here's my idea every one post or comment the things you love about yourself and see how you feel after you do it.
Here goes mine;

I love my eyes. I live my hair. I love my smile. I love my beauty mark. I love my toes. I love my teeth. I love my tongue. I love my voice. I love my nose ring. I love my fingers. I love my hands. I love my legs. I love my shape. I love my height 5'6 it's just right. I love my spirit. I love my walk. I love the way I phrase things. I love they way I see things other people can't. I love to grow. I love to paint. I live to learn. I love to walk. I love my style. I love my heart. I love to care. I love to help. I love my scent. I love my skin tone. I love my nails. I love my liver. I love my lungs. I love my brain. I love my corns. I love my spine. I love my bones. I love my joints. I love my ligemnets. I love my larnyx. I love my neck. I love my back. I love my hairlessness. I love my free spirit. I love my freedom. O love that I love!